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Gay Gardener Conspiracy
May. 3rd, 2004 03:06 pmMy parents have a very eccentric family that lives across the street from them. The mother/wife is usually the source of humor and angst. I haven't the foggiest idea how to spell the woman's name...let's just call her "V." This story is thanks to her.
V came across the street this weekend and asked my mother to come out. My mom was led to the n'bor's front yard. There on the ground was a snake that was dead and was being eaten by bugs. This, of course, was exactly what my mother was missing from her day. V starts talking about Americans (she's a Russian ex-pat) and their craving for a perfect lawn. She rails about lawn services and chemicals. V says that she's noticed an increase of dead squirrels and birds in the past few years.
Okay, at this point, most people w/ an environmental bent are cheering and wanting to give V a high-five or something. But dead animals are NOT the point to this conversation.
V talks about her having a conversation with one of the other n'bors this past week. They both agree...lawn chemicals are turning people gay. No logical bridge, just went from chemicals killing little animals to chemicals are thus responsible for turning innocent straight children into hedonistic homosexuals. She pointed out that one of the n'bors that recently moved away had a perfect lawn that they cared for. Don't you know that their son came out shortly before they moved.
V then tells my mom that the reason she felt a need to tell my mother this is that my parents have a monthly visit from ChemLawn and with my son visiting them and playing in the yard, he's going to be affected by the chemicals and will be listening to Erasure in a matter of years. Thankfully, despite a big homophobic streak, my mother didn't believe any of this and could jokingly pass the story along to me.
SO, Americans beware! Gay gardeners have perfected the gay spray and have started the mass conversion by targeting yuppies with yards!
V came across the street this weekend and asked my mother to come out. My mom was led to the n'bor's front yard. There on the ground was a snake that was dead and was being eaten by bugs. This, of course, was exactly what my mother was missing from her day. V starts talking about Americans (she's a Russian ex-pat) and their craving for a perfect lawn. She rails about lawn services and chemicals. V says that she's noticed an increase of dead squirrels and birds in the past few years.
Okay, at this point, most people w/ an environmental bent are cheering and wanting to give V a high-five or something. But dead animals are NOT the point to this conversation.
V talks about her having a conversation with one of the other n'bors this past week. They both agree...lawn chemicals are turning people gay. No logical bridge, just went from chemicals killing little animals to chemicals are thus responsible for turning innocent straight children into hedonistic homosexuals. She pointed out that one of the n'bors that recently moved away had a perfect lawn that they cared for. Don't you know that their son came out shortly before they moved.
V then tells my mom that the reason she felt a need to tell my mother this is that my parents have a monthly visit from ChemLawn and with my son visiting them and playing in the yard, he's going to be affected by the chemicals and will be listening to Erasure in a matter of years. Thankfully, despite a big homophobic streak, my mother didn't believe any of this and could jokingly pass the story along to me.
SO, Americans beware! Gay gardeners have perfected the gay spray and have started the mass conversion by targeting yuppies with yards!
